Our Adoption Story
Soon after my husband and I were married we decided to become foster parents. Our goal wasn’t to adopt at that time. We just knew we wanted to help out others who were struggling and knew we had an appropriate home for children to come to while their parents received help to get back on their feet.
In order to become a licensed foster/adoptive parents we had to take their 8 week long class. (Iowa resource to become a foster/adoptive parent) This included a lot of role playing, learning new terms and understanding the impact of trauma on a child and their family. We were also required to complete homework outside of class. Once the classes were finished we had to have a home study completed. After several months of waiting for them to start our home study I called their office to find out that they had somehow forgotten about us. So shortly after that they came to our home and in 3 or 4 visits our home study was complete.
We were officially licensed in June and our first placement was in November. Our first placement was a sibling set, boy and a girl, both less than 2 years old. They stayed with us for a few months and then returned to their family. This was our first experience fostering and at that time they did not encourage working closely with the birth family so we only saw them at court hearings. It was a great start to our journey and gave us a brief glimpse of mental illness and poverty.
Shortly after those children went home we received a call at midnight for a 2 year old boy. We accepted and they quickly brought him to our home. This was our second placement and we soon realized that his birth mom was not going to be able to get him back due to extended jail time needing to be served. We were then asked if we would be willing to adopt him if he cannot go home (this is called concurrent planning) or if they are unable to find any relatives to place him with. We said yes! This is our oldest adoptive son.
Little did we know at that time how neglect can impact a child. We were naïve to think that a stable and loving home would make any child happy and healthy. This has been the biggest challenge of our lives and although there were times we wanted to give up we knew that was not the answer. We loved him to much so we continued to muddle through and learn as we go!
We continued on with this journey the past 16 years and have learned a LOT along the way! Our son is now 18 and living on his own. Not ideal but that is something he has to work out. He continues to go to school and figure life out. I love talking with him now to see how he is growing emotionally. There were times we never thought that he would figure out how to be successful but I know that success is measured in many different ways. I hear him talk about some of his experiences and know that we taught him right from wrong, that he knows how to back away from others who might trigger him and he knows how to cook for himself, something I like to take credit for.
We cannot tell you how difficult this journey was. We lost friendships, isolated ourselves and became filled with anxiety and depression as we tried to navigate this new normal for our family and try and keep our family safe.
There were many times someone would here our struggles and say “even your own birth children could have issues,” I always hated this phrase!! Yes genetics play a huge role in a child’s demeanor but if this is not biologically your child and you have no mental health history in your family to draw experience from then you have very little control of their outcome. Mental health is generational for our son, he didn’t have a choice! We paid for it! He struggled with it! It was hard! We yelled! We cried a LOT! We begged God to make things better! Nothing about this journey has been easy!!
Now that our son is no longer in our home we can look back and see things we could have done differently. At the time we were just trying to survive. We can breath now! I love our son more than anything but there were times it was hard being around him. We would get along good and then he would deliberately disobey me. Typical symptoms of his diagnosis.
His diagnosis…. RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder! That is a word I grew to hate but yet try and understand. I wanted to know more. I furthered my own education to try and educate others on children with mental illness in the education system. School was a struggle for him! Friendships were a struggle, authority was a struggle. We were called all the time. Can you imagine seeing the school's number on your phone and not wanting to answer because they only call you when something bad happens. I think once in the 13 years he was in school did someone actually call me to say something good about our son! That was our life! Another factor to his challenges is that he is African American and we are all Caucasian! That definitely played a part in his behavior as he got older.
Overall, we have learned a lot about mental health. We have learned how to be compassionate for others who struggle with emotions and their behaviors. We love those who struggle the most. My profession is now to help others which I love. I can connect more with those who choose to disconnect from others. I like to see progress in others although progress is at sloth speed which is what makes this even more frustrating at times. It is those small successes that can be so rewarding.
Our sons future is up to him. That doesn’t mean we are not here cheering him on it just means he has to be the one now to want a better life. I have seen some growth now that he is on his own. I now smile when I talk to him. Although his journey is far from over I am hopeful for his future. I know there are others out there who can sympathize with our pain. I know there are other kids who did not take the right path in adulthood and who are paying the consequences. I hope that this can give you some peace to know that you are making a difference in your child whether you see it now or fifteen years later. It will get easier, maybe not tomorrow or in the next couple years but it will get easier. Sometimes you have to let them fail so they can learn from those mistakes one. day. at. a. time!
Our journey isn’t over. We have adopted four more children since him. Crazy….yeah maybe! But this is our life, and I love to tell our story. You will hear more. The good and the not so good. We have had some amazing times through fostering and adopting as well and I love all our kids! They all matter and I hope I can make a difference in their life and stop the cycle of addictions, abuse and poverty. Until next time……
Enjoy the Journey,
Jennifer
